6 May 2014

doing it not right

Griff. He's happy even when I'm feeling like I should be doing something else, so I guess I'm doing something right!
You know that feeling, that insidious, stealthy feeling that whispers you're not doing it right? You get it too, don't you? The one that makes you look at your life, at your home, at your job and at your reflection and think 'oh, bloody hell...'.

I'm always trying to work out the best way to live my life; I sometimes feel like I'm doing a crap job of it, I always feel like I'm doing a crap job of something. Maybe I am. Probably I am. Yep, I am.

What should I do next, what should I do now, what should I have done this morning when the baby was asleep and I had an hour 'free'? (I did some ironing. I'm thinking I should have done some pilates or started writing a novel or something...)

I often feel like I look a wreck. I often feel like my house is a mess. I often feel like I don't earn enough money, that I don't exercise enough, that I should read more, that the kids should be eating more fresh vegetables and less pasta, that I should be living somewhere else and that I should sit on the floor and sing 'Twinkle, Twinkle' with the baby more often.

Christ, it's exhausting. And I could make some bloggy comment now about how I'm going to walk away from that way of thinking and go easy on myself and make a cup of tea and eat a piece of cake and go and cover some pine cones with glitter with the kids but that's bullshit cos I'll still be feeling like it's not enough and I know it would take at least 5 years of therapy to stop thinking that there's a better way to do everything all the time and even then I guess I'd still have my moments. Because I'm human, and I'm female, and I'm a mum. That's why.

So what can we do? Anyone? Why do we do this to ourselves?

4 comments:

  1. Your baby is beautiful. That picture is beautiful. I guess it's the human condition, and it's sad and it's exhausting. You writing this, with your lovely words is enough today. You made me feel better, you reached out and that meant something to me. I am sure others will feel the same too. Thanks Anna, best Jo xx

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  2. Yes to all the above. I should be out in my workshop now but I'm procrastinating on here. And I've been really grumpy and really impatient with my kids tonight too. And we ate pasta. Again.

    If it's any consolation, your blog is one of the ones I leap on when I see it in my sidebar - funny, honest, endearing. And your work rocks. So keep going, and go easy on yourself, you're doing great xx

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  3. i have seen you and you always looks beautiful and awesome! and your kids are adorable too!
    same here with money/pasta/mess/exercise.
    x

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  4. You do the best you can & that's all you can do. You have happy, healthy children - that's a blessing. You touch people's lives through your words & designs - that's a blessing & a talent. I consider you a friend even though we've never met - that's a blessing too. Count your blessings, sing Twinkle Twinkle, enjoy your pasta - you're an amazing woman, friend, wife, mum; a lovely human being who shares love with the world. Be content with that. XOXO

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