8 May 2014

it's always me and her and him



I miss being on my own. 

And I feel weirdly guilty saying that, as I'm blessed with lots of wonderful people around me, people that light up my heart and who help make my world a beautiful place. I love those people. I need them, adore them, would do anything for them but...

...but I'm never alone. Those of you with small children will understand that it when I say I'm seriously never alone, not even in the bath, not even on the toilet. If on a crazy whim I close the bathroom door for a few minutes you could set a 20 second timer to the first calls of 'MUMMY?! WHERE ARE YOU?'

I need alone. 

A little space for myself, just for me. That's normal. That's more than normal, that's absobloodylutely necessary.

When I'm not with the kids I'm working with a roomful of students, or joining in with some group event, or watching a film with David, all of which I love and which I wouldn't change for the world... but oh to be given a couple of hours which no one else around. At all.

Maybe it's a post small baby thing; Griff has turned one and as his need for independence increases so does mine. Otherwise I'd be heart broken everytime he took a step away from me. He's still very clingy right now but every now and again he gives me a little shove as if to say 'Back off, I'm busy'. Kids. They do stuff like that. Soon he'll be saying 'Mummy, why are you still here? Go home, I'm seeing Nanna on my own today', just like his big sister does. 

And now I've kind of talked myself around. I'll have plenty of time alone soon enough I guess. But until then maybe I should get a lock for the bathroom door, I think that's an acceptable compromise.


2 comments:

  1. You took the words right outta my mouth ... mine are older now but that desire for a little freedom never leaves me ... my littlest will be going to school full time in September and I will have lots of time ... I'll probably feel lonely then ... maybe I can't be pleased ;) ... Bee xx

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  2. oh, it's so OK, but I get the guilty feeling...it's hard to remember that when you become a mama, you don't stop being you too, and as much as they're only small for such a short time, you need time within that too...just to breath now and again! xx

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